Welcome to The Sad Stuff.

This is meant to be a place I can vent and stuff and ideally not many people will read this page. And you may be asking "Rain, if this isn't meant to be read, why are you hosting it on your site?" Well, I want atleast some people to read it of course. I am, afterall, a lover of attention. But more importantly, I want a space where I can freely communicate my feelings. Directing it at individual friends can be stressful for them and writing in a journal means that nobody will read it and I won't know if anybody relates. This way I can be shouting into the void and hey, if you relate, you can email me and we can talk and cry and whatever. Also don't expect the writing to be good or structured. Yes, I am an English major and yes, I can write very well but I want a space to write without stress, just pure, unedited emotion.

The Mirror

I remember being a child and often looking in the mirror and asking "Is that me?"

The answer, an unfortunate, resounding, echoing, "Yes."

I remember doing this all the way into my teens, still, looking in the mirror.

Still hearing that yes but knowing deep down, but maybe not even that deep that no, it's not.

That this is not who I am. Some boy, loud, clumsy, obnoxious. I always knew that I was just covering up all my insecurities with jokes. I hated it and at times, years past, being out to many of my friends, I still do this. I hide behind humor and such because I am scared and what sucks more, I don't know what I fear.

For a time, I switched back and forth between identifying as a trans woman and a cis man and anywhere in between. But it hurt, telling people, "Yeah, I'm just a guy that has had a past of gender exploration," and I know the exact reason I did it.

I didn't and don't pass and I had built up this idea that noobody would take me seriously as some fat, ugly, man with stubble always poking out who uses she and her pronouns and identifies as a woman. So I didn't for the longest time.

Weirdly enough, I never put this view on others, and thank goodness too. I had many friends who didn't pass, didn't care to, or were various forms of gender non-conforming and I loved it and it was celebrated by so many around me. But I didn't deserve that luxury. I didn't deserve to feel loved and accepted despite presentation at the current moment.

I still struggle with this at times. So much of my identity comes from outwards perception. I tell people "Oh I am a gender non-conforming trans woman." Which is true but god, so often I want to conform and I just tell this lie to myself and others, hoping to convice myself that it's true because if it isn't, if I want to pass and it is unacheivable, then I will hurt.

I will hurt so fucking bad.

I know my friends and partners would respect me if I changed up my identity, atleast I hope they would.